oh gosh. it's been a messy crazy weird few months. Juls and I just turned 11 months :) that's awesome. and I passed my physics class with an A!!!! woohoo! and I got a promotion at work! all kinds of awesome stuff.
and now the bad news. at my current level, and even at the promotion I just received, I barely make enough money to sustain my meager spending habits, bills, gas, food, student loans, etc. barely. like, to the tune of a hundred dollars a month or less barely. it's so depressing. I thought that I was making money, keeping it in savings for later, but it's horrid to find out you've barely made anything over the past 8 months working, most of which have been full time. don't get me wrong, i'm very thankful to God for the job he has provided, and the low bills he has provided. I just don't know how i'm going to make it. what's the point of a pay raise if it's only 40 cents/hour? that does almost nothing for me and I'm going to be in charge of half of the store, over half of the employees, and i will have to placate the 100s of angry customers that walk in the doors. I just don't see the point. and, even if my housing plans for post-summer work out, i'll still need a mostly full time job just to make ends meet, and i'll be a full time student at OSU and i have a girlfriend with whom i must spend time and in whom i must invest.
speaking of, it's been tough physically with us. we've made some mistakes and it's hard to pull back from where you've been. I know that God wants better from us, so I know I need to make better choices and be a better leader. I can't be a immature leader and try to lead Juls, that would be the worst disservice to Julia/family. honestly, the past weekend was horrible for stress. I was so worried we'd relapse and so worried things weren't going right, i have a huge ulcer on my lower mouth. it's awful. I have determined i get stress ulcers. not fun.
I'm having a really hard time seeing any silver lining with all of this money stuff lately. i mean, if i made enough i probably would marry Juls right now and have no regrets. but, I would be jumping the gun and i would be shirking my responsibility. I can't do that, I can't do that to God or Julia. I just feel trapped between 10 impossible questions without answers, and it's just hard to trust God right now. and that's bad cause I can see how amazing he has been and how he's gotten me and Juls through a lot of tough stuff.
please pray for me to let go of my future. please pray for God to work powerfully. Please pray for humility for myself as I take more steps towards trusting God and letting him lead. I need a lot of prayers.
Thanks guys, you're the best.
