huge ulcers...

oh gosh. it's been a messy crazy weird few months. Juls and I just turned 11 months  :) that's awesome. and I passed my physics class with an A!!!! woohoo! and I got a promotion at work! all kinds of awesome stuff.

and now the bad news. at my current level, and even at the promotion I just received, I barely make enough money to sustain my meager spending habits, bills, gas, food, student loans, etc. barely. like, to the tune of a hundred dollars a month or less barely. it's so depressing. I thought that I was making money, keeping it in savings for later, but it's horrid to find out you've barely made anything over the past 8 months working, most of which have been full time. don't get me wrong, i'm very thankful to God for the job he has provided, and the low bills he has provided. I just don't know how i'm going to make it. what's the point of a pay raise if it's only 40 cents/hour? that does almost nothing for me and I'm going to be in charge of half of the store, over half of the employees, and i will have to placate the 100s of angry customers that walk in the doors. I just don't see the point. and, even if my housing plans for post-summer work out,  i'll still need a mostly full time job just to make ends meet, and i'll be a full time student at OSU and i have a girlfriend with whom i must spend time and in whom i must invest.
speaking of, it's been tough physically with us. we've made some mistakes and it's hard to pull back from where you've been. I know that God wants better from us, so I know I need to make better choices and be a better leader. I can't be a immature leader and try to lead Juls, that would be the worst disservice to Julia/family. honestly, the past weekend was horrible for stress. I was so worried we'd relapse and so worried things weren't going right, i have a huge ulcer on my lower mouth. it's awful. I have determined i get stress ulcers. not fun.

I'm having a really hard time seeing  any silver lining with all of this money stuff lately. i mean, if i made enough  i probably would marry Juls right now and have no regrets. but, I would be jumping the gun and i would be shirking my responsibility. I can't do that, I can't do that to God or Julia. I just feel trapped between 10 impossible questions without answers, and it's just hard to trust God right now. and that's bad cause I can see how amazing he has been and how he's gotten me and Juls through a lot of tough stuff.

please pray for me to let go of my future. please pray for God to work powerfully. Please pray for humility for myself as I take more steps towards trusting God and letting him lead. I need a lot of prayers.

Thanks guys, you're the best.

i think i wanna marry you...

So, where to begin. 

at the beginning i guess. 

So, 6 months ago today, Julia Zwayer and I started dating. I am so glad we did. It started out a little weird, and very confusing and I was super nervous about it, but I'm so glad we started down that path. 

This path I believe, has led us to marriage. 

This summer. 

This is where I believe God has called us. I have been praying a lot about it, and Julia as well. We have enlisted the help/prayer of about 15 or 20 people in our church. They are praying for us, whether or not we are ready for marriage. That is a huge blessing, to have 15 people who know us and want the best for us. 

I also ask for your prayers. We need wisdom, guidance, and more wisdom. I need a better job, for which I am working hard to obtain. I think that I need to be able to provide for her/I before we can get married. so, that's one hiccup we have to get through. We are also trying to make sure that this is where God wants us and what God wants us to do. I ask for your prayers as we get through this, whether  in july, or in december. 

We just want to be doing what God wants us. I definitely want to get married. I'm so excited. but I'm super nervous about it too. 

Thanks for your prayers. they're super important. 

Peter

So why is life so challenging...

So Julia and I want to get married. i mean, that was the goal of entering into our relationship together. but, we also thought we had our hormones/emotions in check. 

best. joke. ever.

it's hard to not be together. like, spending time with her is my favorite thing ever. we both really enjoy each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. we want to be part of each others' lives more than we are now. but the thing between that and now is getting married.

but we can't exactly do that. our financial situation is tricky. and that's a nice word for it. money is tight. money for bills, money for several more years of school for both of us, money is annoying. i don't have a good well paying job yet, i'm only working part time and Juls doesn't have a job either. money is a necessary evil. i wish we didn't have to worry about it. but we do.
there's also school and my job. I'm contemplating becoming a police officer cause the pay is good as a way to build some financial stability while she and I go to school and get our degrees. Witt is expensive.
but, if i'm going to cscc/osu, and she's going to witt, that's an hour trip one way. so, where would we live? columbus by far has a better economy and is where i am going to school, but she doesn't want to go to osu cause she wouldn't like the class sizes.
so, we're kinda screwed. unless God has some super-awesome-mega-ultra-special-magic plan.

it's just tough to wait when you want to be with someone. we've definitely made mistakes, and pushed boundaries, and i wish we could erase that. but at the same time, what has happened has been great. i wouldn't trade the worst experience with Julia for the world. she means the world to me. and i hate that we have to wait to be husband and wife. i mean, it has only been 6 months. but she's my best friend. she respects me, trusts me, loves me for me. what more could i ask for? why do we have to wait to get married? i just want it to be done.

but what is God's plan for us?
I ask for your prayers. I wish we didn't have to figure a bunch of things out. and maybe we don't. maybe that's God's job. maybe i just need to put it all down before him. maybe i need to just stop trying to know everything.

i know i'm bad with letting God be in control. just please pray for us. we need prayers. thanks. 

What is love?......................baby don't hurt me...

So this was a hard but amazing weekend. This was the weekend I struggled with the question, "Do I love you the same way you love me?"

I knew I always loved Julia, I've always loved her as a friend, and I know that she's the best thing I've ever had in my life. She becoming my wife is the only thing in my life that I really care about. I would give anything for her.
But after she moved to springfield, 45 minutes away, her emotional state and my emotional state were very different. let's face it guys, we don't feel nearly the emotion our female counterparts feel. We are strong, stoic, and always in control of 'feelings', those things women and gays have. haha. But I just felt worried.

I felt like there was something missing from us, looking at how she showed her emotion compared to how I showed emotion.

So, I had to be honest and open, as we both agreed before we started dating, and I told her how I felt. It was the hardest conversation we'd ever had. it was rough. I was worried that we would stop dating at one point. I was worried she'd never forgive me and that I had just lost my best friend.

but, she's freaking awesome.

she had a few minutes of emotion, and I left her alone and just prayed. I just wanted to rewind the past 10 minutes and forget they ever happened.

she then calmed down a bit and tried to understand what I was saying and we talked and talked, and we had an amazing conversation where she showed how much she really loves me. she is an immovable rock of support and though she had been shaken, she didn't want to give up on me. she wanted to help me through what I was feeling. even though I didn't really know how to put it into words.

She said, "Love is patient, love is kind" and that got me thinking. so I read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. I had never read that passage in the context of man/woman love. Always just in the 'this-is-how-God-love-us' way. and reading it, along with her support, made me realize what I knew in my heart to be true, that I would sacrifice anything for her, that I would always trust her, protect her, be kind to her, and want to put her in front of myself.

I knew that that was love, and I knew that I showed love, true biblical love towards her.

Later, Julia and I met with Jess and Caleb, a 'mentor' couple from our church whose relationship is uncannily  similar to ours. He listened to what happened last night, and he made a really good comment that love is not some emotion, like the world believes it is. It's a choice to put someone else above you. to hold their interests, desires, care, above what you desire for yourself. and that comment brought me a lot of comfort, cause I knew that I put Julia ahead of myself in everything that we do. I knew I wasn't perfect, but I knew that that's what I wanted more than anything.

looking back, I had probably one of the best weekends of my life, because I had a wonderful respectful, supportive girlfriend, who loved me unconditionally, like the love God shows me everyday. I was able to see that though girls and guys are different, and though I might doubt that we feel the same way about each other, I have 100% complete confidence that we both truly love each other, and that even though things will be rough, and the romance will wear off, love is more than emotion, it's a choice. and Julia, I choose with all of me heart, soul, mind and strength, to love you unconditionally, forever more, even after I pass from life on this earth, to life on the next. you are the only person I want to be with, the person I most cherish, and the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.



(and i'm not actually saying anything negative about gays or women, or gay women, it's a manly man meme and I thought it was funny. you know, cause i'm a manly man and all. haha. but seriously, it was a joke, I apologize if it offended anyone. that's not my intent. haha. )

I'm Sorry.

I'm sorry.
I want to apologize. For all of the right-wing, religious, church nuts that think religion is the way of life. It's not. It's never been about how many bible verses you know, how many Jesus bumper stickers are on your car, or how often you attend church every week. It's not. and God weeps that the 'christian church' is more concerned with its image than it is about God.
God is what?
God is Love.
not religion,
not bible verses,
not church attendance.
Love.
So, shouldn't we as lovers of God and followers of Christ seek to be love as well?
Shouldn't we put aside our 'righteousness' and step down off of our high horses and love those who sin?
If I'm not mistaken, All have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God. Aren't we all imperfect? Don't we all have stuff with which we're falling short? Don't we all sin just as much as the nice liberal gay vegan down the street?
Yes.
So when did our redemption through Jesus' perfect blood allow us to be so prideful that we forget to love everyone, just as Christ loved us?
We need to put aside our good works and our bible trophies and remember what Christ did while he was alive. He talked to prostitutes. He healed lepers. He wasn't afraid to be seen with the 'wrong people'.
Why is there so much hate and bigotry in the world? Sin. Why is the church not effective? Sin. Why did Christ die for us and save us from a horrible life without a relationship Him? Sin.
Put away your 'righteousness glasses' and put on your Jesus glasses. Look past the facade of life. Look past the drinking, the smoking, the homosexuality, the cursing, the lying, any undesirable characteristic, and see the creation of God. Each person is specially and wonderfully made in the image of God. Me, you, your neighbor, your landlord, your boss, are all beautiful creations of God. Treating them as anything less is Sin. Our purpose in life isn't to tell people they're wrong. Our purpose is to glorify God and show others the glory and perfection of our God. Don't tell people they're sinners because they're gay, tell them we're all sinners and Christ can heal you, just as he healed me.
Refocus your lives on Christ. then, Sin, hate, bigotry, and anger will all be destroyed.

i can't even put this feeling into words.

so...there's this girl. that's about it really.
i mean, i've always had good friendship relationships with people, but this one is evolving into something else, something more. It's really weird to, cause for the longest time, we both talked about how we're just friends, and how we don't want relationships right now, we're waiting for God to show us. but, it seems that God is directing us to each other.
so, after seeking much counsel, we have decided to try it out. I will continue seeking out counsel from my adult friends this next week, and the rest of my life obviously, as I think God should be the center of all of life, especially interpersonal relationships.
so, be praying for me/her. I'm not going to spoil the surprise just yet with who. you'll find out soon enough!

i'm back...

so, it's been quite a while. but not much has really happened in the way of life altering events. ice cream sammich still isn't quite working on my phone, computer's still reliable, but new stuff always looks nicer, you know. boring stuff. but today, it's just...different.

I'm sick of my apartment. sick of my current living/working/student life right now. i don't get any nights to myself for stuff i want to do, i have to wake up early every morning, and it's just getting frustrating with not only acquiring more work shifts/duties (cause people left), but more hours at school, and even more just getting from my house to school with a bike that's past its prime. that and my church is falling apart and I'm still not sure where I stand, especially now that the temporary worship leader, the one for which I was holding out, is stepping down.

I'm just surrounded by stuff i need to do, and neither the will nor the time do deal with them. last quarter was a good respite, but this quarter is just...harder. I don't know how else to explain it. something's different. maybe it's that I'm getting screwed over with this apartment thing, and it's manifesting itself in other parts of my life.

GAH.

and of course friend drama. or more like, inner conflict to deal with drama. There was a girl i met a few times, and the more I hung out with her, the more i liked her. but...after taking certain things into consideration, it would not only have been impractical but unfair to do anything but keep my feelings to myself and not engage in normal conversation which is super hard for me to do! like, I normally try to be a good support for my friends, but I felt that if I did, then one of two things would happen. A, she would see my support as a desire from me to be more than friends (this has happened several times and it's frustrating and annoying) which is not incorrect, but with where she is in life, it would be awkward and unfair to her. or B, i would make a fool of myself trying to keep from letting A happen. so, I've had to resist "normal" conversation (texting mostly) with her so as to keep from letting A and/or B happen, but it's a catch 22 cause i see me not being supportive to her as not being a good friend, and I don't want that to happen either!

GAHHHH.

so, I know these are kind of stupid things, but that's basically my life right now. sorry it took 10 months to post new stuff. but that's also life.